Moving From Control to Connection: A Montessori Approach to Challenging Moments

So often, when we get really upset with our children, our first instinct is to solve the problem. We want to tell them what needs to happen. We take control. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we even become a bit dictatorial.

In those times of frustration, our rational thinking tends to take a back seat to our emotions. We forget what might be happening in our children's internal lives. We rush ahead to "fix" the behavior instead of taking the time to guide the human being.

At Waypoint Montessori, we view the child as a person worthy of immense respect. When our children are struggling, they don't need us to power over them; they need us to show compassion, patience, and empathy.

Changing Our Perspective: "Kids Do Well if They Can"

Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical psychologist and author of Raising Human Beings, offers a perspective that aligns beautifully with the Montessori philosophy. He asks adults to recast how we think about challenging behavior.

When children struggle, Dr. Greene explains, it is often because they lack the skills to handle the situation differently. He emphasizes two vital themes:

1. "Kids do well if they can."
2. "Doing well is always preferable to not doing well."

If we wholeheartedly embrace the fact that our children want to succeed, we can move away from viewing them as "attention-seeking" or "manipulative." Instead, we see a child who is simply hitting a developmental or situational hurdle they aren't yet equipped to clear.

How Can We Help?

All children, at some point, demonstrate challenging behaviors. It is a natural part of growing up in Colleyville or anywhere else! Here is how we can support them:

1. Identify the Difficulty, Not Just the Behavior

The first step is to look past the "tantrum" or the "refusal" and ask what the underlying difficulty is. Listing specific difficulties—like "transitioning from breakfast to the car"—helps us shift our thinking away from the frustration of the behavior itself.

2. The Empathy Step

This is the heart of the process. At a calm time (not in the middle of the conflict), initiate what Dr. Greene calls the Empathy Step. This is an information-gathering process.

• Make an Observation: "I've noticed it's been difficult for you to finish breakfast before we need to leave for school."
• The Invitation: Ask, “What’s up?” or “What’s going on?”
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3. Listen Without Reacting

This is where we must act as "guides." We listen without jumping in with advice or solutions. We ask questions and reflect back what we hear. During this time, it is essential that the child feels heard—really heard. This process of listening can be incredibly healing and is often the "missing piece" in resolving recurring conflicts.

Finding a Collaborative Solution

Once the child has shared their perspective, we summarize their concern and share our own. For example: "I understand that you feel rushed and don't like leaving your drawings. My concern is that I feel stressed and worried about being late to work when we rush out the door." Then, we invite the child to work with us: "I wonder if there is a way we can make sure you feel finished with your drawing and I can get us to school on time? Do you have any ideas?"

Being Heard is Validating

Sometimes, the most significant shift happens before you even reach a solution. For a child, the act of being heard and validated by the most important adults in their life is enough to lower their defenses and build the "skills" of emotional regulation. In those moments of upset, let’s try to slow down. Remember that the child in front of you wants to do well. Our job is to listen and empathize, supporting them as they learn the skills to become a whole, capable human being.

We invite you to schedule a tour of our Colleyville campus to see how our Guides use collaborative language and respect to support children through every stage of development.